MELROSE— “I have not failed. I have found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”—Thomas Edison.
Make that 10,001 for Melrose’s Tim Powell, who finished dead last in an embarrassing tiebreaker among four worthless coaches of the Mayors of Melrose Fantasy Football League.
Powell was sentenced to taunts of disgust by passersby on Main Street on Super Bowl Sunday, but instead fled the Commonwealth for the comfort of his swanky chalet at Sunday River. Upon his return, he was seen tearfully staring at the Melrose Kindness drawing on the YMCA, for hours. Some Melrose Police Officers offered comfort with a line of high-fives for him, but Powell refused. “I felt uncomfortable with them being there. I felt uncomfortable that they were in uniform and carrying firearms. Plus, are high-fives really a good idea during Flu/Covid/RSV season?”
THE BATON has been passed to a new Mayors of Melrose Fantasy Football League loser, Tim Powell of Melrose. It gets better, Tim.
“This is a tough one,” said an anonymous League source. “Tim is… or was, a respected member of the Society. But this will be a big problem. He knows absolutely nothing about the I.T. industry, and yet now he’s going to run the league next year as our commissioner, which takes a little more internet-savvy than he possesses.” Appointment as Commissioner for the ensuing year is included in the league’s regulations on punishment. The Mayors expect a 2023 season of glitches, mistakes and general neglect.
Powell’s punishment also includes exclusion from the league as a franchise participant. In true form, he said, “I look at it like a well earned (sic) rest and chance to reset rather than a banishment.” That positive attitude would usually result in future success; however this is Powell’s second time coming in last with the Mayors – an almost unprecedented disaster – and it appears the line-makers at Encore have lost faith in his 2024 outlook. One can only hope that he might spend this year improving his equally terrible golf game.
The Mayors of Melrose is a highly elite, invitation-only fantasy football league, originated in Melrose. Members’ identities and prizes are strictly confidential and usually unconfirmed. Failure customarily results in public shaming and suspension.
