Published June 17, 2021
By MARGARET REGAN
Honor Essayist
“I really, really didn’t want to write this. It’s a lot of pressure, and I have so much to say. I’m so afraid that I’ll say something wrong, explain something poorly, or forget something, and it’ll hurt someone… But, it feels unfair to leave without saying anything… so it’s really the least I can do to write something.”
That is how I started my suicide note. About three months ago, I tried to kill myself. Not many people know what happened, or what I was trying to do that night, but obviously I failed. And I am so, so glad that I failed.
I have struggled with severe depression for what feels like my entire life, and I first seriously thought about taking my own life in eighth grade. That’s not something I would wish for anyone else to experience, or for anyone else to have to go through. So, I would like to use my time tonight to give you some advice that I’ve learned from my experiences, and to also just celebrate the fact that we all made it here. It was an incredibly difficult year for everyone, and I’m so proud of all of my fellow classmates for making it through and graduating.
First and foremost — it sounds very cheesy, but I’m going to say it anyways — you are not alone. Depression is hard. If you haven’t gone through mental health struggles, you will never really be able to understand just how difficult and debilitating it can be. But whether it’s depression, anxiety, burnout, or just general stress, please know that you are not the only one feeling this way. You can get help, and you can get past this point in your life.
And if you’re struggling, reach out. Lean on your family, your friends, whoever you have in your life. One of my biggest regrets is waiting until senior year to talk to my parents about finally seeing a therapist. But I promise you, asking for help isn’t as scary as it seems. Don’t bottle up your problems, even if they seem insignificant or you feel like a burden for talking about them. Even if you don’t have a reason for feeling the way you do, you can’t help how you feel. Just talk about it, whether to find a solution to your problem or just to get it off your chest.
Another thing I want to really emphasize: you need to give yourself a break sometimes. I know coming from your valedictorian this might sound like a shocker, but there are more important things in life than school or your career. Although it took me far too long to learn, you just have to try to find balance in your life. Of course, work hard and strive to be successful, but also forgive yourself for your imperfections and make sure you’re letting yourself have fun, too. And while we’re on the subject of slacking off, I want to take a minute and personally apologize to Mr. Noce for never doing his memoir project. This past month has been a bit of a struggle for me, to say the least.
In fact, I actually want to take a moment to thank some of my teachers. This is the part I always hate in other people’s speeches because, well, it’s a bit boring, so I’ll try to make it quick. To start — since I was just talking about him — I want to give a big shout out to Mr. Noce for always accepting my late work. I’m sure it was incredibly frustrating to have me as a student at times, considering I would more than occasionally turn in essays over a week late, but I cannot put into words how grateful I am for your patience when I was having a particularly difficult time. Also, a big thank-you to Mr. Ledoux, who is probably just the kindest teacher I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I almost started crying in front of you a few times just because of how nice and understanding you are. And, of course, I have to say thanks to Mr. Dorval, for — well, for a lot of things — but honestly for just being one of the best teachers I’ve ever had.
Honestly, almost all of my teachers this year were remarkably understanding, and I appreciated them so much. I think the American school system in general is quite flawed, and the pressure put on students these days is ridiculous. Especially with extracurriculars, even most mentally sound students are found to be dangerously sleep deprived and unhealthily stressed, and it can be easy for students to slip through the cracks. I honestly think guidance needs to do a better job at regularly checking in with everybody; even people who, like me, are doing well in school and may not appear to be struggling at first glance.
However, I want to simultaneously emphasize how helpful the school has been in giving me accommodations for my mental health. Although reaching out for help was quite difficult for me, it was 100% worth it, and I wish I had done it much sooner. Having my guidance counselor in my corner and also just letting teachers be aware of my circumstances so they could be more understanding really eased a lot of the stress that school caused me. Sure, I would still come close to a panic attack almost every day in AP Gov at the prospect of potentially having to speak aloud in class, but I was honestly able to handle my stress much better, and I was just so much less overwhelmed with things.
It’s also encouraging to hear that the school is planning on hiring more adjustment counselors as a part of their budget next year. Although it was terrifying for me to reach out and ask for the help, I need to let everyone know that it was absolutely worth it, and that you probably have more people fighting for you than you think.
I hope that if you take anything out of this speech, it’s that things can get better. No matter what you’re going through, you can make it. If you told my eighth grade self that I would be alive right now, graduating high school, I would have laughed in your face. I thought it would be impossible for me to live this long or for my depression to ever get better. And it’s still hard. I still struggle with everyday things, like just getting out of bed some mornings. But I’m here. I’m still here, and I’m improving. I’m even publicly talking about my mental health, despite waiting over five years before mentioning it even once to my parents. So yeah, it probably sounds cheesy and cliché, but things can get better. It might be difficult, there might be setbacks, and there’s no magical cure to mental health struggles, but if I can do it, so can you.
So please, no matter what struggles you may face in life — whether you’re going into college, the military, the job field, or something else entirely — I hope that you never give up on yourself. Thank you for lending me your time, and congratulations to everyone for finally graduating; I am so thankful that I am here today to celebrate alongside my fellow classmates.Editor’s note: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides free and confidential support for people of all ages in distress 24 hours a day at 1-800-273-8255. The Samaritans is another valuable 24/7 free suicide prevention resource. You may call or text anonymously, 1-877-870-4673. For additional information on local resources related to suicide prevention and caring for one’s mental health, please see today’s editorial on Page 4.
