THE MAYORS of Melrose Fantasy Football League proved the end of 120 years of esteemed history for the Ahern Family of Melrose, thanks to this one, Brendan. (pictured).



MELROSE—Podcaster Brendan Ahern, whose ancestral roots in Melrose date back all the way to 1900, completely erased his family’s four (4) generations, and over 120 years of integrity, honor and success as Melrose residents, by finishing dead last in the 2023 Mayors of Melrose Fantasy Football League.

Ahern’s sisters, who also live in Melrose, refused comment and asked not to be identified out of concern for the potential ridicule upon their own children. His father Thomas Ahern didn’t hesitate to say, albeit emotionally, “I’m mortified. But I’m not surprised.”

“His poor family,” said another life-long Melrose citizen and family friend. “Their legacy is completely erased in one fell swoop – quicker than the sports banners at the high school.”

Consistent with Mayors of Melrose by-laws, Ahern will be banned from the league for 2024, as his participation annually lowers the level of competition for the rest of the league. A co-founder of the podcast “Pulling the Cork”, which recorded its 97th episode last week, Brendan stated he will use this valuable free time to increase the podcast’s marketing and budget in an effort to get his audience to over 10 subscribers. He remarked, “Dude! Hundred percent! Blessing in disguise! St. Patty’s –huge bash! Ridiculous.”

In related news, it is expected that the Longhorn Lounge of Melrose will be closed for a private, single person “wake” for several weeks. Patrons and guests are kindly asked to stay away until no earlier than round two of the NCAA Tournament, and any permanent bans will remain in effect.

The Mayors of Melrose is a highly elite, invitation-only fantasy football league originated in Melrose. Members’ identities and prizes are strictly confidential and usually unconfirmed. Failure customarily results in public shaming and suspension.