Published in the December 20, 2018 edition.



It’s Christmastime and, if I may so boldly observe, it’s cold outside.

Meanwhile, Rudolph has contacted the Reindeer Rights Commission to report bullying and harassment. Climate change has claimed the life of Frosty the Snowman and gender fluid Santa Claus is coming to town.

Into this season of gloom, I bring a ray of light – for I am, if nothing else, a giver. Yes, I’ve made my list, checked it twice and determined who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. (Sorry — I’m a little judgmental, too. It goes with the job.)

No need to get me anything. Trust me, the joy is in the giving.

To the Wakefield Town Council and the Wakefield School Committee: a joint resolution opposing plague, pestilence and famine.

To the Wakefield Independence Day Committee: a theme for the 2019 parade.

To the new Public Safety Building Committee: powers of arrest.

To Congressman Seth Moulton: a collar and a leash.

To Town Moderator Bill Carroll: an opponent to vanquish.

To Town Council Chairman Peter May: a suit of armor.

To Wayne Tarr: an electric car, rooftop solar panels and a wind turbine.

To the Massachusetts School Building Authority: three ghostly visits.

To Walton School neighbors: a cat.

To Town Councilor Mehreen Butt: an invitation from Alexandria Ocasio-Ortez to be her 2020 running mate.

To Fred Rich LaRiccia: Bartlett’s

To Town Councilor Julie Smith-Galvin: a fleet of solar-powered drones to patrol the town for recycling violators.

To Dan Lieber: the name of Bill Carroll’s joke writer.

To Bob McLaughlin: his own personal Shaw’s shopping cart.

To Bob Mitchell: an honorary law degree.

To Town Councilor Paul DiNocco: a white hat and cape.

To the Friends of Lake Quannapowitt: a memorial bench.

To Wakefield Memorial High School students: hidden Juuls.

To Wakefield’s homeless population: more comfortable ATMs.

To the Wakefield Fire Department: smart alarms that know when someone is just cooking or taking a shower.

To Wendy Dennis: a lifetime subscription to the Wakefield Daily Item.

And finally, to all the snowflakes out there, Happy Holidays.

To everyone else, Merry Christmas.